Lude Behavior

I met him online. I told others that I met him through a mutual friend, Blair. He seemed like a nice guy, they always do online. We met on April 12th , 2014. Things were great, and simple. Eleven days later, he called me his girlfriend and I went with it. In seven days it would be his 20th birthday, and a week later we met in person. Everything was beautiful, I was in love. The real love. The real love is when you feel like that person only matters in the world, and you would do anything to make them happy. Once I met him he brought out the fun girl in me. I traveled a lot, flew on planes, and other new things.
Things went smoothly until October 4th came. I went down to Fort Worth (where he lives as well) for my uncle’s funeral. He and I stayed at a hotel room. After being pleasured all day in a pail room, even in the saddest of times, he had to work. Before he left I asked to borrow his laptop for homework that I did not complete the week before. Off to work he went. I sat at the wobbly desk typing away about a research paper. Once I was done, I decided to look at his pictures on his laptop. But before I clicked Iphoto, the black and white mouse hovered over the icon. I worried if I should do it or not, I worried if I was going to see something I didn’t like. Days before this trip, I had thoughts, dreams that he was cheating on me. Of course when I did tell him about them he would say, I always got the same answer, “I would never do anything like that to hurt you.” And I bought it. I ignore my thoughts and clicked it anyways, I scrolled up and down, I wasn’t searching for anything in particular , just looking. I scrolled upon a black naked woman, about six photos of her ebony body. I was shattered. In a million pieces.
Later that afternoon I confronted him about it. Of course he apologized. Then he cried. I should have been the one crying. The dumb little girl in me forgave him and continued on with the relationship.
Five months later I found his a picture of his best friend on his phone. She was in red lingerie. Again he apologized and cried.
Weeks after that I found out that he actually slept with someone in the month of Febuary. That was a huge blow. We decided to go on a break. Here and there came a few text about meeting each other up. Then he asked the question,”FWB?”. Again stupid me said yes. After a while we ended it completely. Those last few months were horrible. I had the sensation that I was being choked and abused. There were so many moments when I wanted to capture him and torture him slowly. But I knew I couldn’t do it.

Yeah sure you gave us what we wanted, just to shut us up, or thats how I see it. Because of your haunting past, you seemed to afraid to interact with us like mothers should, and because you were too busy doing things that you should of done 25 years ago. "But hey whatever", I would always think, "my dads not here, no biggie, you dont have to be eather."
I felt like I had to be very apoligetic my whole life because of how hard you stuggled to keep the lights on and food on the table for me and my sister. For many years, I thought that, if I'd go, as in leave the world, things would be so much better for you, I'd be out of everyones hair, and things would be just wonderful. But then I realize, I'd be leaving the most importaint person in my life, to suffer alone, my sister. Once I realize I just bite my tounge, shut up and try to choose my words wizely when you ask me questions.

What I want to say.

I would sit down, ask him to sit down also. I would face him, and grab his hands. I know he will flinch a little at first, but then he would take mine. I know I would attempt to keep my eyes from flooding.. but instead the run. I would ignore the fact that I'm crying. "Hey-" He would try to say. "Please let me talk." I would interrupt. "What I want to say is how, I can't stand to life without out you. I miss you. I don't know if you miss me too but I really do miss you. I think of you all the time, from the glorious first kiss to the regretting last one. I really can't live and do this without you." He would stare into my eyes, I know they will start to water. I would continue," I don't know if you can feel what I feel.. I feel alone and cold without you,But oh, when I'm with you my world is never disappointing and full of glorious surprises. You made a mark on me.. and now you can't leave. You have to stay. Stay with me.. forever."

In my dream he would say yes, and we would be happy as long as we were with each other. And that nothing could ever get between us ever again. But like I said.. it was a dream. Who knows what will happen.. maybe tomorrow I would talk to him... maybe not. I have a feeling that I won't here from him in a while. Will I pack up my bags and go along by myself and onto another adventure? Who knows..

Broken heart

You didn't call, I called, and you answered. Your phone wasn't off like you said. I didn't ask for explanation, I just asked if you didn't want to talk to me.. you claim that you were sick and busy, like nothing ever happened. I told you that you scared me, which begged the question "why?" that you asked. I said, "Because I didn't hear you from you in a while.." I waited a while, impatiently to get an answer, but instead i got messages from two other guys.. two other guys that I did not love like the other. I waited some more. He said his phone broke and it was off, and that he would be off to bed. He was avoiding me... what could I do? I couldn't ask anymore questions, I would seem like a crazy-attached person. I just said goodnight as as well and prayed that everything would turn out great like before. He once said he loved me and that he cared for me... and that I was good for him and he was good for me. Well we will see what tomorrow brings, Right? There's nothing we can do now, just wait.

Longing for a call..

Yet another day has past, without words from your deep voice, or messages delivering your heart to me. I still think of the two times we were together and the thousands of messages we sent, Butterflies still flurry in my stomach. At the same time, its very sickening. I hope that you miss me the way I miss you and longing to see me like I do you. I hope your okay, and no one or no thing has harmed you.. even though my heart is crushed because of your surprising absence, I still love you. And I'm still sitting by the phone.

I'll tell the earth, "Thanks for the skin, thanks for the teeth, thanks for the bone." Though I know slowly give it back, I still appreciate the loan.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all!! Hope you have a good one, and may God bless all! :)